It made me think of that movie... uh.
That movie...
Stardust.

'Cause, you know. The star chick comes down and she's all like. wtf. and the guy is like "i need a star' and she's like, 'hey I'm a star' and he's like 'wtf no you aren't' and then they leave.
Well.
You know.

I like it. <3
You know I like it when I compare it to a movie.

I sorta wanna say

"A star amongst "so" many others"
my mind automatically added the "so" even though it wasn't there

The last stanza seems good to me, the metrum works for me and it sorta turns the usual conclusive part into an outlook of things to come. Will there be a part two?

As for the first one, "others" and "ours" sorta rhyme and made me expect further rhymes when I was reading it the first time.

I like the powerful diction, and as I previously mentioned, "contemplates" seems to big of a word to use twice in a poem with 3 stanzas.
Of course, if you extend the poem, using it again could show a kind of consistency.

Considering that both stanza 1 and 3 have their lines short/long/short/long, the middle stanza certainly stands out, though I cannot say whether this hurts or benefits the flow of the poem.

(btw, isn't it "firmaNent"? *doesn't know how to put italics *)

Also, when thinking of "angel" and "paradise", "screams" has a really negative sound to it. And though the content of the scream proves to be negative, I sorta wasn't prepared for that, if you know what I mean


I hope this comment is of any help to you ^_^
I'll go over it again tomorrow. Basically sleep a night over it

--
Whoever finds my errors can keep them.

(>^.^)>Kirby s you.<(^.^< )

|Y|A|O|I|
|A|N|I|M|E|
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My antidrugs - spending my money on them, how can I afford anything else?

Wow. Seriously, I now adore you for taking the time to make such a comment. When I asked for advice, I kinda didn't expect this.

First of all, I wasn't expecting to do a second part. However, now that you mention it...

Also, all of that stuff on how my poem is, like the short/long/short/long thing... sure... I know too little on poetry to be able to be so specific with it. You're the expert, not me

Finally, I looked it up and apparently, it is firmaMent.

Thanks a lot!

haha, well, I did take poetry classes, however I do not consider myself an expert. If you're interested, I could recommend

"The Discovery of Poetry" by Frances Mayes.

It has several chapters covering different aspects of poems, and even some suggestions for what you can do for practice after each chapter.

we used it for class. it's 16 US, I dunno how much that is in Canadian... I forgot. Besides, my school bookstore was obviously more expensive But oh well.
If ou want I could list the chapters so you get an idea...


Anyways, I'm glad you're glad. But I take my friends serious, and such goes for their work. I just have to find the time
If there's anything that needs immediate attention, just send me a note... I might not find it in the 2k of deviations waiting for me

--
Whoever finds my errors can keep them.

(>^.^)>Kirby s you.<(^.^< )

|Y|A|O|I|
|A|N|I|M|E|
|M|A|N|G|A|
My antidrugs - spending my money on them, how can I afford anything else?